woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
