how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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