I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
