You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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