I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
