I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
