The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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