very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
