this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
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