I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
