Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
