sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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