Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
