Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
