Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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