summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
this is an emotional support booty call
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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