Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
