Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
God I need to hump something, right now.
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