I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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