She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
They took my balls.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
