to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
