The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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