i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
