Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
