It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
