Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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