I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just google imaged poop.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
