Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
