i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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