life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
