i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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