My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
