just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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