I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize