I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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