im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
