Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
