My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
