I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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