remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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