I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
