she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So much rum. So many feels.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
