Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
