Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
