my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
