White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize