Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
