The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
