Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize