Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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