It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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