My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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