I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
