I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
