tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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