i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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