so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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