He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
