I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
