Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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