we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
