It's like a parade of train wrecks.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
