Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
