So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
