My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
